DykeInside

I know I haven't updated lately. First, I was waiting hoping to have some great news before I updated. Now, its more like I'm in such a rut that I just haven't updated. I'm in a place in my head that I really don't like. The place where all I wanna do is get drunk and not think about things for a while. This place scares me.
But let me start with what was supposed to be good news. B and I are buying a house. Having one built if you wanna be technical about it. We got a call from the landlady a few weeks ago telling us that the owners have decided to sell the house we're living in now. She said we'd be made the first offer when she got all the paperwork in and wanted to know if we were interested. I didn't know how to answer that. This is a nice house.....TO RENT. As far as buying, theres too much shit wrong with it. The foundation is ruined. The kitchen floor is ruined and the kitchen is entirely too small. The fireplace looks pretty but has no blower so is totally uneffective for heating purposes. The wisteria growing in the side and back yards have totally taken over everything and destroyed the fence. I'd imagine thats what destroyed part of the foundation, along with the leaks that were under the bathroom floor caused by the foundation crumbling. I honestly don't see how the owner intends to sell it with the foundation damage it has. So B and I started talking about buying our own home. We went to a few places, went and looked at a few houses...and we've settled on building. We picked out a model of what we want built. Brand new house, brand new appliances, brand new everything. And the guy made the call to the bank. Come to find out, I alone qualify ALONE for 100% 150,000 dollar mortage loan. What we decided on was a house that will be a lil over 2200 sq. feet. Four bedrooms, living room, den, study, large kitchen. The next step was finding land to build it on. Which I think we've done. Its ten minutes away from where we are now. Which means its ten minutes away from my mom and my sister and the kids. We're just waiting on the report from the inspector and then we're ready to get started building. The guy said once they get started, it should take about two months for them to build and us to be ready to move in. I'm so ready for this. Never thought I would be...but I'm excited. And anxious. And praying that the guy can keep my mortage payments where I want them instead of through the roof. It will help greatly if we can get some of the smaller bills paid off before we move. Which we're trying to do now...along with getting caught up on the bills we fell a little behind on over our vacation. I've already told her next vacation, we do in ALL CASH. And God forbid, something happen between us, I want something I can afford on my own. That will be no problem once my car is paid off. And I have a lawyer bill I'm working on paying off, that should be paid off in another three years. We're really, or should I say, I'm really hoping we can go ahead and do this and go ahead and get moved so that I can claim the interest from the new house on my income tax. Getting more back will help get things paid off alot easier. The land we want is half an acre, which will give the dogs room to run, room for me to plant a garden (whoda thunk it? Me, wanting to plant my own veggies), and room a few years down the road for a pool.
Here is where the rut comes in, her and I can't even have a simple discussion without fighting anymore. Without someone raising their voice and getting angry about one thing or another. About STUPID shit. We went to bed last night not speaking to each other. I did some fanagaling in my pay and my paycheck is alot more than what it is supposed to be. I only planned to do this for a couple of months then change things back so that I wouldn't owe the IRS at the end of the year. I wanted to buy a futon and save money to get a fence put up and maybe pay off some of those smaller bills. She thinks I should wait on ALL of that and give her ALL of my paycheck to pay ALL the bills. I'm all for that. But, what she told me before I even did this was that all our bills would be caught up with this paycheck of mine....before she knew about the extra money. So I thought that extra money would be clear money. And now all of the sudden, she needs EVERY DIME. Her account is in the hole. Which I don't understand. Seems like more and more often she tells me we have such and such amount in the bank in her account....then its gone. And she says "we" spent it. On what?? We haven't been anywhere or done anything. This time it was 90 dollars that she kept in her account for gas and cigarettes. Then she tells me its gone, that we're actually in the hole 140 bucks. WTF? I try to ask her about it...and she gets mad. Says she can't keep up with the bills and the money if we're doing it "together". That she needs to be able to do it her way alone. When we were doing that, shit wasn't getting paid. I'd give her money to pay certain bills, and she didn't pay them. Not that we didn't have the money. The money was sitting right there in her account. She just waited til it got cut off and I called her at work to tell her it had been cut off before she paid it. Cell phones being a perfect example. I give her money for the cell phone bill two weeks before its due, and she doesn't pay it, and the cell phones get cut off. Which means on the next bill, we have a 35 dollar reconnect fee. I just don't get it. She admits that at some points in our relationship, she's lied about out bills and about them being paid on time and us being caught up. Said back then that she wasn't gonna do that anymore. Yet she still does it. She says its because she can't tell me no when I ask her if we have the money to do things or to get things. Like its all my fault. Maybe it is. I dunno.
Monday night, I got all showered and shaved and was planning a night to include a little love making. And instead of us going to the bedroom together...she asks me not to come to bed with her. To give her about an hour to fall asleep before I go to bed. I know she knew what I was planning because she came home early and I was still in the shower. And I asked her if she was gonna get a shower. Call me wierd, but I like to shower before sex. And I prefer that she does too. She sits in her chair and farts all day long and then comes home and man farts in her chair. I prefer her to be fresh if we're gonna have sex. She said maybe to the shower, which left me with some hope at least, but then when she asked me not to come to bed with her.....needless to say I was a little upset.
I just don't get whats happening to us. And its depressing me beyond belief. Its making me wonder if we should really be considering buying a home together. My name would be on it, but its gonna be both our incomes paying for it. She's gone back to not cleaning up behind herself. And I see that causing fights in a new house. I will not stand by and watch her trash the inside of OUR new home the way she does this one.
I don't know what to do. I'm depressed. I'm craving a drink or twelve. I just don't want to think about this anymore and it seems like its ALL I can think about. And theres really no one I can talk to about any of this. My sister is kinda pissy about the fact that I'm able to buy a brand new home and have it built and that its so much larger than her own. I think she's jealous. My mom is worried about us buying a home together. Its such a big committment and what if she leaves? What if she goes through another spell like she did a few months ago? I don't think I ever wrote about it in here, but B actually left me a few months ago. Things were fine on that Friday night before I went to work. I come home from work and she gets up crying and telling me that God spoke to her and is telling her that our relationship is wrong and that she has to leave. She came home Sunday, all apologetic and regretting having left. But what if that happens again is my moms big worry.
I don't know what to do.

posted @ 4:08 a.m. on 2007-05-17

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